And i’m sitting here petting 2011 on my lap, consoling but a fragile year like many other past years people kicked to the curb.
This year I had some really shitty relationships. The absolute worst. I can honestly say without a doubt the people I’ve interacted with on an intimate level will never be thought upon after this blog entry. I had money issues, and began saving for my Europe trip so from the beginning of January up until, well, November i didn’t do shit at all. I rarely went outside other than to go to work, and three months before i was about to leave and investing in a $1500 non refundable plane ticket to Italy my entire plans foiled right before me. By my definition it was a shoddy year.
But I’d never say fuck 2011, because i learned shit about myself and the company that i kept. I traveled, i met amazing people, i got to mark things off my bucket list, and i got experience that i needed. If you can say you’ve learned nothing about yourself or learned nothing at all about the world you live in, then yes, go ahead and say, “fuck 2011!” You wasted an entire year without growth in all aspects. Whether that be mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. But if you learned something. ANYTHING. Then you know, ease up on 2011. You could of been like the person i described above who spent 365 days in the same spot learning absolutely nothing.
I’m not saying you have no right to completely want to dead this year and chalk it up as a loss. Try to swim past the entire ocean of bullshit, failures, and regrets that you’ve grown familiar with and try to see the little planks of drift wood that you took a metaphorical rest on away from the current of diaster. Be thankful for those and the year you’re about to close, and go into 2012 like every other beginning. Hopeful, and excited for change.
It’s kind of liberating to not have a cellphone anymore. I mean, i had one when i was over in Europe just to call my flatmate in case of emergencies and to use the wifi to email my parents when i was traveling through different cities and didn’t have access to internet. It was more of a necessity rather than a luxury.
Now that i’m back in the states, i really have no need for one. All the people that want to get ahold of me have every social network that i’m on, if you really wanted to talk to me i’m reachable. My parents can call the house phone that sits vacantly and collecting dust in the corner of the living room. I sold my truck because there was no reason for keeping a vehicle i never really got to use because i was always traveling. So really, by American standards, i have nothing. But for me now being back in the states it’s more of a luxury rather than a necessity. And really, i’d rather use the money i would have spent on an overpriced phone on a monthly plan of burritos.
I sit staring out the same window that I’ve come accustomed to for the past two months. A window that looks out to a skyline that has kept me company and surprisingly, been a friend as well. Even with me needing to be up in three more hours, my mind just knows I can’t sleep just yet without saying thank you.
I started this journey in my head. I told myself, i’m going to back pack through Europe, and i did it. I got on that plane at Washington, DC and flew to Venice, Italy. Without knowing the language, without knowing the culture, without knowing anybody at all. I did it. I did the most unsafe, unknowing, and unsecured thing in my life.
This city for as gray, cold, and rainy as it’s reputation has done the complete opposite to me. It’s made me vibrante, colorful, strong, inspired. Fuck, London has been the best relationship I have ever been in. In the two months that I’ve been here, I’ve grown. Yeah my legs got stronger from all that walking, but my mind and my emotions have gotten so strong. Yes, every day i missed my family, i missed the convenience of a steady life. I missed being able to settle down with somebody. But I quickly realized that i don’t have to settle myself in order to have all those things. It took me putting an entire ocean between every body that matters for me to know that they’ve never left me to begin with. I can survive on my own without having physically my family around. Technology has enabled that for me and I can be by myself. Europe has taught me that.
I’m going to miss the continuous streets that are always occupied. No matter what hour of the night, there is always something going on outside. I’ll miss getting on the tube and being able to hear Russian, Spanish, Italian, Arabic, and Chinese all within one subway car. I’ll miss the culture, the art, the museums, minding the gap, and the people who I’ve met. The people who took me in, without even knowing me. I risked every thing for this adventure and I received more than I could ever, in a life time, have imagined. And this is just the beginning of me doing it again.
So I want to thank Ray for picking me up a complete stranger from the internet in Italy and setting me up with Mad who graciously took yet again, a complete stranger of a friend of a friend in and giving them a place to live. Mad, you and Sharon have welcomed me so amazingly and me telling you thank you over and over again will never do it justice. You let me live with you and you have been the greatest flatmate a gamer comic chick could ever ask for. Callum, you made me ride the tube by myself unaccompanied. Which at first I loathed you for, but you were right, after a couple of weeks, I did know exactly where I was going. Even so, i can now give directions to other toursits. Ben, your kindness meant a lot to me, and our conversation over cake and coca-cola was truly a highlight to my journey here. Giulia, you are the sweetest girl I’ve ever come across. Meeting you and talking in the cupcake shop was an absolute perfect day. I still can’t believe you gave me Christmas presents to heal some of the homesickness. Everyone else that I’ve met, rooted me on. or who have helped me along the way, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I’ve written this entire blog with a teary face, sniffling, listening to England outside of my room. It’s funny, I started this whole entire adventure to find myself, little did I know I’d end up not only defining myself, but knowing who exactly I want to be. We’ve got many more adventures ahead of us, Peter Pan didn’t just have one. And you and I both know, i’m not leaving Neverland any time soon. So goodnight London, and good morning. This won’t be the last time I see you, I can promise you that.
I’m relatively a very positive person, and the only reason why i’m a positive person is simply because I know how to not hang out in my head. Usually that means going outside, getting online and talking to someone, you get the idea. I occupy my head.
There are the very limited nights where i’m just too tired to go anywhere else but inside my head. The nights where I accidentally fell asleep too early and i’m fully awake at 3am and it seems like my entire life’s failures are the only things I can see in my room. It’s like my brain triggers the, “oh? you’re awake? well shit motherfucker let me bust out the power point presentation so you can see what you’re currently failing at alright, buddy? Lets get the show fucking started, girl!”
It sucks. It really fucking sucks. No matter how much you want to get out of your head, you’re just too tired to sometimes. You’re too tired to get up and walk away to do something else. Something that will make you feel less like an asshole, less like a screw up, and less like a failure. Usually i’m good about not calling in a pity party of one with myself, I very seldom pull up a chair and become apart of it. Tonight however is not the case. Tonight, I blew up the balloons, brought the alcohol, flung the glitter around, put on my dress, and took myself to my pity party. Because even though I rarely allow myself to, I can also feel like shit. Some balled up worthless shit.
But just for tonight. Tomorrow i’ll be awesome again.