I never thought about my dad being.. old.
He’s always been 16 years older than me. The scrawny teenage boy that took responsibility for a baby girl with nobody to help him at all. I’ve had a young father my entire life. Even now in his mid forties, he’s still young and very much lively. But tonight when we were talking about adult things, and by adult things I mean he went into the random discussion of, “when i pass away, not now, but eventually when i do, i want this as my funeral” topic. We always joked that when he went senile and rolling around in a wheel chair i’d be right behind him. Because after all, we’re not that far apart in age. He had a serious face this time though. This conversation was serious, the topic was serious, he was being serious. We were discussing wills, splitting of assets, everything. I asked him if he had some death defying adventures scheduled, but I knew once he got diagnosed with diabetes two years ago his health has declined some. He wanted me prepared. Prepared to the aspect that eventually, he will die, despite all the birthday cards he owns assuring him that he’s an invincible superhero.
We’ve been a team for so long that I never wanted to give the actual thought toward me having to do life without him. I mean, we grew up together. Just thinking about not having him on the other end of the phone when i’m having a melt down to calm me down scares the shit out of me. But he needed me to be scared. To burst the bubble and take off my rose colored glasses. My dad needed me to grow up a little bit more for him. We sat in the room in silence for the rest of the night while he filed some papers and finished work on his laptop. I kept glimpsing over at him every few minutes, trying to imagine the man I’ve always known for twenty-seven years with coal black hair suddenly with white and a face wilting with age. He’ll always be my young father, but tonight he needed me to see him as my old man. Because I know, he’s scared too.