I like how everything i build up in my lifetime somebody will always seem fixed on stomping around my sandbox and attempt to crush everything like Godzilla with one simple, yet ruthless statement. “Well, YOU’RE FAT!”
It doesn’t make me cry, actually, it doesn’t even hurt my feelings. What it does is make me completely infuriated that out of all my flaws, this is the only one you think holds to key to crumble everything inside of me. I’m fat? Okay. Is there anything else i can help you with? I also have freckles on my face. My hair has always seen better days. My cheeks get really big when i laugh or smile like i’m hibernating a gang of cotton balls in them. I’m abnormally tall. I’m pigeon toed. I mean, shit, i can look in the mirror and name a billion things that people will have flaws with, but none of those people are me.
Have your laugh. Have your moment to feel as though i am beneath you. Because lets be frank here, if i’m the fat one, last thing you want is this girl on top. The one thing i am positive about is that no one sees me the same way as you. That makes me happy. That single notion is what makes me have the confidence to tell your punk ass, get the fuck out of my sandbox. You’re not crushing shit here.
While having my yearly “catch up with college friends in a big dinner” tonight, my friends like to go down the line and talk about how big their babies are getting, who is expecting, and who is about to be engaged. Everyone gushes over potty training pictures or diamond rings and I always sit quietly at the end of the table counting the ice cubes in my drink.
After graduation, I took a completely different road then all of my friends. And for the last four years I continue getting reminded of this over fresh garden salads and pasta. In the beginning it would hurt, not because I was jealous, but because people would start feeling sorry for me. “Oh your time will be soon, you’re going to be next.” Every time I told them, “really, i’m okay with where i am.” I lied through my teeth. I wasn’t okay with where I was because everyone around me took an alternative route! I had no band of brothers, no one on my side, it was me and a bunch of adults who were making goo goo ga ga faces at each others iPhones playing slideshows of their happy life. What did I have? Myself and an asshole dog with a Kanye West complex who took up half of my bed.
Year after year, it was the same thing. Babies became kids, engagements turned into marriages, and there I was, still counting the ice cubes in my drink. But tonight, tonight was different. Tonight it finally dawned on me while everyone was catching up that i am exactly where i’m suppose to be. I can’t follow anybody else’s timeline and I can’t allow myself to feel like I owe myself to create a timeline for these kinds of things. For kids.. for marriage.. for goo goo ga ga faces via iPhone slideshow pictures. I’m a late bloomer, I’ve always been. I didn’t get boobs until college and you know what, after junior year of high school I just stopped asking my body when it would start helping a sista out. I didn’t accept it, but i knew there were bigger things that i should focus on instead of my lack of bra size. And in this case, lack of an adult life.
Maybe i’ll get there, maybe I won’t, but i’m happy with where I am, and I like traveling the alternative route by myself now. Yeah It’s a little quiet, but at least my timeline gets made up as I go. You can’t keep asking life to help a sista out, you just got to live it without focusing on the “lack of” part. Just think of it as a perk of being the late boomer rather than the downfall.