I have no idea why i’m telling you this.
In middle school I used to have this incredibly huge crush on a boy named Akira. I would scribble love notes to him in my diary and play “MASH” to figure out what our future would hold. Because playing “MASH” was the perfect source to predict your love life with a boy who wanted nothing to do with you and had a new girlfriend every other week. Yet, I sat there behind him in class, doodling our faces together kissing in my Jem and The Holograms notebook like a stalker. Because, of course I was completely in love with him. That is If being in love at 11 years old meant that I could sit next to him at lunch, play wall ball with him, and walk home together - I was smitten. What can I say, I was a hopeless romantic.
But, Akira thought I was gross. I had knobby knees, braces, I was the tallest in the class, i’m pretty sure my head was too big for my body, and lets face it, I just wasn’t a cute kid at all. He wouldn’t let me come off the bleachers. Everyone in the school knew I was in love with him. He was teased for it, and I was teased more. I would come home and pout to my Obasan telling her Akira didn’t want to be my boyfriend because I wasn’t pretty and my head was too big for my body. Then it always ensued a bratty stomp to my room and ripping up pages in my diary. Clearly, I was a psychopath. Deep down I knew I’d be a pretty rad girlfriend to him. I was a force to be reckoned with sports wise, granted the knobby knees. So any time he picked me on his team, we’d always win. I had an extensive collection of Nintendo games and Batman comics. Shit, I had a BMX bike. What wasn’t to love!? Yet, Akira ignored my heart and I went on my school years boyfriend-less and Akira-less.
Then something magical happened. High school happened. Boobs happened. My body now fits my head happened. My knobby knees no longer.. okay, i still had knobby knees. But to Akira, I was no longer gross. I was worth sitting next to at lunch. Worth walking home with. It was like my diary decided to narrate my love life 4 years late. This was the magical power of puberty. Now don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t some “ugly duckling turned beautiful swan” type of story. I was still rocking the electrical fence across my teeth and I had no control over my hair. Not to mention, my dad cut my hair. So I wasn’t some drop dead gorgeous teenager, but I was manageable. Manageable like if you slap on a dress, put me in a dim lit room, i’m a cute looking girl. Akira wanted to work with this, and then he was the one that was writing me love letters.
I guess this is the part where you’re expecting me to tell you that we finally got together and I got to live out my pride and prejudice moment. We didn’t. I had a new crush. New love interest. A boy named Dai who transferred into our Freshman class during the winter. Dai thought I was gross as well. I played sports, collected comics, and snorted when I laughed. My heart played a vicious game that was never in my favor.
Then, I went to college and then I turned 26 years old. And I can solidly say, nothing has changed since I was 11 years old.
