Dear couples in a metropolitan city,
MOVE!
I understand, it’s winter. There is nothing more romantic than holding on to your partners hand and walking the congested sidewalk streets side by side during the most high foot traffic time, at snail like pace, extending your time together looking at christmas lights and giggling between you two. You love each other, I get it. You know why I get it?
BECAUSE I’M THE MOTHERFUCKER STUCK BEHIND YOU WALKING SLOWER THAN A SNAIL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK I CAN GET AROUND YOU MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE.
As much as I would love to have the abilities of Spider-Man to shoot a web from my wrist and cascade from building to building, avoiding all walking traffic, I don’t have it. I have to be the human sighing loudly, saying excuse me walking underneath your interlocked hands, trying to get to the train I probably already missed because of you dickholes. I loathe you with the passion of a thousand suns.
GET OUT OF THE WAYYYYY!!!!
Sincerely,
The asshole stuck behind you
