I’m pretty upfront. If i have to chase you, good luck. I don’t chase after shit but happiness, and tying that happiness around one person is one thing i’m not about. I should be happy on my own, having you as a companion is a perk on to that happiness, not the main source. Therefore, if i have to go through social networks, initiate everything, and jump through rings of fire just to get your attention, i’m good without it. You’re not Beyoncé.
I’m all about the middle ground. You know, where most normal people reside whenever you come across one. I have no problem telling you i’m interested in building this friendship into something more romantic. I’m twenty-eight years old, I think i can muster up enough adult aspects to be open and honest about my intentions. If you’re not down, cool. Yeah my feelings will be hurt, i’m not a robot, but at least we got to cut the stupid shit out of chasing the thought around.
Romance is not going after the person who can’t see me. At least, not in my storybook version. There’s nothing romantic about staying awake hours of the night waiting for you to never text me back. Or flirting with me via social network platform just to keep my interests going for your gain. If you don’t see me, that’s fine, i can stop seeing you just the same. It’s not out of spite, and it’s not out of revenge. I just know who is worth having and you’re just not equaling up to it. Maybe we’ll grab coffee one day, i don’t know, I’ll text ya.
Adventures in Babysitting had one of the biggest impacts on my childhood.
I never saw girls my age reading comics anywhere, especially in film. It was always just a boy thing. So when i saw Sara being completely obsessed with comics and Thor i stopped feeling like the black sheep of the world. I shoved my dad into the couch and made him watch the entire movie while i belted out, “LOOK DAD! A GIRL READING COMICS!! SHE LOVES THOR!!!” I was so stoked you guys, seriously. Here i was, this little girl obsessed with Batman that would get taunted by boys and men for reading comics smiling from ear to ear because FINALLY, i knew i wasn’t alone.
I can go on and on about how Wonder Woman needs her own movie, that women can open a blockbuster film. That women in comics DO EXIST and we are proving that every single day. Especially on tumblr. But i just want to thank this film for saving my life, and my comic collection.
We don’t know shit. We know just as much as you do. Some people find love. Some people don’t. Some people have success stories. Some people can talk to you all night about their failures. Shit. Just. Happens.
Do i want to say luck of the draw? I don’t fucking know. Maybe i’ll meet the love of my life tomorrow, twenty years from now, yesterday, or not at all. I DON’T KNOW. Shit. Just. Happens.
I can be proactive about it. I can go out more, be social. Put myself in situations where interacting with people could get me laid or in a relationship. Sign up for online dating websites. Multiple ones. Allow blind dates, ask first, or take a chance.
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.
What i do know is, be confident in yourself. Be so fucking confident in yourself that being single, isn’t a big deal. Because scrolling through this website daily and not having the confidence of being secure with just myself, might make me feel like i would need someone to validate my existence. Which is utter bullshit. I don’t need to be an important person by relationship association. Someone willing to hold my hand, doesn’t make me more noticed. It just means my left hand won’t freeze the fuck off in winter.
I’m not saying loving someone or wanting to be loved by someone makes you a weak person. I want all that shit too. What i’m saying is, just because you haven’t been loved by the right person yet, doesn’t mean you’re less important as a person who is loved by the right person. Maybe they were proactive, maybe it was luck of the draw, maybe they took the bus instead of the subway one day.
I DON’T KNOW.
Just don’t let me or any other person on this website make you feel less than a person because we don’t share the same stories, timeline or experiences when it comes to matters of the heart. I haven’t had my time yet, but i’ll be damned if someone will make me feel bad about it and make it feel like its my fault. Fuck you, i’m still doing me.
I’ve had a rough go of it friendship wise. Well, and family wise. My dad and i have been glued to the hip my entire life, i can soundly say he will always be the greatest best friend i’ll ever have. But as i’ve grown into an adult, my choices, ehh.. haven’t been too cool for the old man. So we’ve drifted apart for several months now. I’ve taken it badly.
Recently, one of my childhood “best” friends was getting married. She wanted me as a bridesmaid and i went through the whole process of being that perfect bridesmaid for her. I looked like none of the other girls she asked to be her wedding. I was the only one with unnatural hair color, tattooed everywhere, and piercings. I kept telling her, its totally cool for me not to be a bridesmaid. I get very uncomfortable in those situations so having an out gave me a little relief. She assured me that she wanted me in her wedding and that if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have asked to begin with. Fast forward to the day before the wedding, she shot me a text message stating the following; “Please dye your hair for tomorrow and take out your piercings! I got you a long jacket to wear for pictures so your tattoos won’t distract and ruin my wedding pictures. Hope its okay! See you tomorrow!”
I didn’t go to the wedding, and i haven’t spoken to her since.
I’m a concealer of all emotions. I’ll get around to crying about something that happened a decade ago. I stopped by my dad’s house to do some laundry and like every visit lately it’s met with arguments and reminders of how i’m not living to my potential. Before he could go in on me anymore, i just started crying. I’m not being dramatic about this sentence either, but i have never cried in front of my dad my entire life. It completely freaked him out. While sobbing like a crazy person, i was telling him about the wedding and how the person i worked so hard to become and the person i’m so happy about being has completely ruined all of my relationships with people and i’m not understanding why. I was one day away from reverting back to the person i hated being.
My dad was furious. Just, pissed alllllllll the way off. At first i thought it was toward me for crying and acting like a maniac, but he was so mad at himself and the people in my life. He gripped my face and with a stern voice said,”that’s not a friend. If i were getting married tomorrow, Kyoko. I swear to you. I would not ask you to change one fucking thing about you. Nothing. You could come with a mohawk, three fucking eyeballs, and a tarantula wearing a bow tie as your date. I love you, how DARE anybody want to change that.”
That’s when i knew i really wasn’t a disappointment to him, and for the first time in months, i could finally breath.
All this time i thought otherwise, and that can really fucking break your heart daily. I’m not the career woman he wanted me to be. Political views we’re on opposite spectrums. Family views, out the window. Religion? It’s laughable. He raised me to be an individual and when he woke up one morning and realized that we were two different people, he got scared. Scared of the unknown of my future. He is so insanely worried that he’ll die and i’ll be this three job adult with unhireable tattoos forever. Even more so, he still can’t understand why i’ve picked this path. No matter how many conversations we have about it.
It’s defeating and exhausting explaining how what i’m doing makes me happy. How being this person that i am right now, is a blessing. I love what i do, and i love the adventure of the unknown. That’s something i get to look forward to every day i wake up with no planned routine. No blueprint handed to me with a timeline that was written from a society that was too scared to ever be unmarried and childless.
Seeing my father, a person who followed that blueprint timeline, defend my choices and who i am gave me the ass kicking i needed to get out of the hole i was digging for myself. I’m not going to be the woman he dreamed of me becoming. But now i know, that also means he doesn’t love me any less for that. Which is something a daughter like me, really needed to hear.
The Pups are 3 years old today. I guess i shouldn’t call them “the pups” anymore since, well, they are adults now. But, they’ll always be pups to me. Theodore “Teddy” Bear, Mowgli Joseph, and Lux Roxanne are one of my greatest achievements. I didn’t know how to raise an animal from the very moment it was born at all. Every experience was met with horror and excitement. I showed them how to drink, how to eat, how to play, how to bark, how to go up the stairs, how to go down the stairs, how to stay home alone, and how to sleep on their own. I did a horrible job on a couple things, but i did amazing at a lot of other things. They wore me out, and they made me feel defeated over and over again. Teddy is scared of every noise. Mowgli can’t do car rides, even if its three minutes. Lux listens to Lux. They have bad habits that sometimes i feel like even i can’t break out of them. However, Teddy is the smartest dog I have ever raised. He’s the Houdini of the household and as clever as they come. Mowgli is the father figure. He’s protective, obedient, and gives the greatest hugs a girl could ask for. Lux is a brilliant mastermind. She figures out ways to smuggle treats to her bed without notice and she raised Lucy completely on her own. They are great dogs. And as much as i’d like to take full credit for that, they’ve definitely grew into their personalities all on their own. One’s i’m proud of.
Happy 3rd Birthday, Pups. I love you. Please stop eating my shoes.
Even more so, stop putting them in the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth wheel position. Shits uncomfortable. I get it, you’re in love, smitten, whatever. You want to spend every minute inside that persons mouth. I GET IT. WE ALL GET IT. You know how we get it? Because we’re standing next to you while you’re sucking each other’s faces without taking a breath.
As the friend, we’re not jealous. it’s not about jealousy. It’s not about being the single friend and becoming the third wheel. It’s about the fact that somehow in a relationship, you lose ground with all your friendships. We don’t matter until theres a break up, or there’s a strain in your relationship. However, if i want to go to the movies with you and you ask if your significant other can come to, and i say, “sure.. why the fuck not?” Don’t make me look like the creepy person sitting next to you while you’re vocalizing how much you love each other’s hair. It’s weird. Making me apart of that situation is weird. IT’S ALL WEIRD.
I find being that fully committed into a relationship is unhealthy. Not because i’m alienated from you, but because you have nothing outside of that person. If or when you guys break up, everything you got comfortable sharing and having either gets split in half or taken away from you and most times, you’re left with nothing. The friends you left, you can’t expect them to stick around if you won’t even talk to them. You forget who you are. And sometimes, you forget what kinda person you were before you walked into that relationship.
All i’m saying is, sometimes it’s okay to take a healthy breather from one another. To have some separate friends. To have hobbies that you don’t share in common, or do things on your own. To still be your own person while being in a committed relationship with someone else. Nothing is wrong with that. Trust me.