Coming from a family that is so mixed, diverse, and ever changing, i love how big of a mutt i am ethnically & culturally wise because of it. I’m one of those kids who constantly asked their parents and grandparents where they came from. I requested stories, pictures, souvenirs, and any kind of knick knacks.
My father is 1 of 6 children and the baby of the group. Traditionally, most pictures get handed down from mother to daughter or granddaughter. My grandmother having three daughters of her own, would most likely pass down the photos to my aunts and they would pass them down to their daughters and so on and so forth. Needless to say, i wouldn’t see any. This scared the shit out of me. Maybe its my photographer aspect of me, maybe its the little kid who needed to know where she came from, but one of my biggest fears is not having pictures of my past generations to show my kids. My dad never had any of pictures of him, including his parents. My mom was the same. Living in Japan i didn’t get to see my grandparents until i came over to the states for university. So i wanted to know, see, and have everything i possibly could of theirs. My grandma always found this to be funny because none of her children or my cousins ever asked for pictures of her during her youth so having me constantly nag her for them she secretly adored.
My grandmother is a spectacular woman. All the stories my dad tells me and she tells me just makes me fall in love with her over and over again. From always being the belle of the ball, to working as a jet plane mechanic for the Air Force, then traveling around the world, and finally starting a family in Japan with her true love, i needed to have these pictures to accompany the stories. I wanted my brothers, niece, and nephew to have access to them. I wanted to be the keeper of all these memories. And my heart grew by a million miles when i opened up the package to see my grandmother entrusted me with that sole responsibility.
I got my knuckles tattooed today.
And usually i would take this opportunity to either ugly cry myself to sleep or motivate the fuck out of myself to Beyonce’s entire discography on Spotify. However, i find myself just shrugging at the entire notion that i even care about how long i’ve been single.
I’m tired. I don’t want to chase and i don’t want to be chased. I want a relationship to be verified by impromptu high fives and the fact that they’ve stuck around long enough for me to start unraveling that 2nd player controller thats been collecting dust next to my XBOX.
If i’m still single by next year, that’s fine. If i’m in a relationship by next year, that’s fine. I just kinda don’t give a shit about the outcome either way. Which is not only liberating but also frightening. Mainly because society wants me to believe i’m emotionally broken and i consider it as light traveling.
I’m not looking for a romance novel, but can you at least try to put forward an effort to make me feel like you’d share your last bowl of lucky charms with a motherfucker Instead of a transaction of equal needs that were discussed the day before over coffee. I know it’s 2013 and I am Thor, ruler of Asgard that is my vagina. I can throw it whenever and wherever at someone, it’s the given right i have for maintaining this front butt. Just give me some effort on the emotional end. I’m not saying cuddle with me, buy me flowers, add my dad on Facebook. Lets just share a moment outside of our physical needs. Over a burrito. Or Minecraft. Something.
I think what keeps me going through my really shitty days is having a glimmer of hope that i have somewhat of an impact on people in a positive way. Like, I matter to those who i hold close and that i’m contributing something to someone i meet every single day. Whether that be giving directions on the Metro, listening to someone vent, or picking up a crumbled up piece of paper off the ground. That as a person, i’m not setting the world back a few paces, but rather forward.
It would absolutely crush me to find out that i made no ripple to anyone. That would be the biggest disappointment in my life, finding out that i was just this wasted thing on the planet selfishly hogging up oxygen.
I hope i make an impact on someone. I really do.